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MILLIONS IN IT 

A Farce Comedy in One Act 

BY 
EDWIN BATEMAN MORRIS 

Author of "The FRESHMAN" and "THE MAN 
NEXT DOOR" 




PHILADELPHIA 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1909 







Copyright 1909 by The Penn Publishing Company 



@ SEP1^- 1909 1 
SEP * 4 td09 



Millions In It 



Millions in It 



CHARACTERS 

Olmstein, I of the firm of Olmstein ^ Weissen- 

Weissenpimpfel, \ pbnpfel, Architects. 

PiNGLE, CI Christian Scientist plumber. 

Hon. John Brown, a client. 

Ben, a messenger. 

Helen Augusta Wind, millionairess. 



Time of Playing : Forty-five minutes. 



COSTUMES 



Olmstein and Weissenpimpfel are dressed in typical 
Hebrew or German burlesque style. Olmstein wears a 
great deal of flashy jewelry, and clothes of pronounced 
checks, or stripes. If possible, one should be short, the 
other tall. 

Pinole. Overalls, worn over a fashionable suit. Wears 
a neat straw hat. Carries kit of tools. 

Brown. Dressed well, but in exaggerated style. 

Ben. Colored man, in rough suit or shabby livery. 

Helen. Expensively dressed, in fact, evidently over- 
dressed. Wears large hat and much jewelry. This part 
may easily be played by a man. 



PROPERTIES 



Tools for PiNGLE ; watch, lemon, call-bell, paper, pens, 
and ink, check-book, peanut, bandage for Ben, letter, one- 
dollar bill. 



Millions in It 



SCENE.— 6>^^.? of Olmstein a?id Weissenpimpfd. Plain, 
boxed inferior. Vozvn R., desk and chairs. Up R. and 
L. , draimn^-tables and high stools. Pla?is atid pictures 
of buildings on ivalls ; also one or two " T-squares^' 
and other drawing instruments. Telephone on wall or 
on one of the desks. Door, c. Weissenpimpfel at tele- 
phone. 

Weissen. Hello Yes. Who? Mrs. Bin- 

glestein? Oh, wie gates Vat, the pipe in the 

cellar busted? Oh, mein goodness, you don't mention 

it. — Olmstein, the pipe in Mrs. Binglestein's cellar is busted 
and the water is all running out on the floor. It vill all 
be vasted. Vat shall I tell her to do? 

Olmstein. Tell her to put on her overshoes. 

Weissen. {in 'phone). It's rising a foot every minute ? 
— Oh, pickles, vat shall I do, Olmstein? 

Olmstein. Tell her to wait until it gets as high as the 
cellar windows and then it will run out into the street. 

Weissen. Oh, you ain't got no practicalness, Olmstein. 

{In 'phone.') Yes, yes Oh, I don't know Take 

a piece of blotting paper and spread it on the floor, face 
upward, to absorb the moisture; and I will send a certi- 
fied plumber to fix it Oh, yes, I will get a quick 

plumber This is Wednesday, you know He 

should be there by Friday at the very latest Good- 
bye. — Mein goodness, Olmstein, ain't it awful? Mrs. 
Binglestein's all alone in the house with a strange tidal 
wave in the cellar. 

Olmstein. It will be worse than the Messina earthquake. 

Weissen. It will be worse than a mess in her cellar. 

{Enter Pingle.) 

WeTsJeT } Are you a plumber? 
Pingle. No ; I'm a Christian Scientist. 



O MILLIONS IN IT 

OliMSTEin. Will that work on a hot water pipe ? 

PiNGLE. Sure. 

Olmstein. Can you stand in front of a hot water pipe 
and think, "Dot pipe ain't leaking," and then it ain't leak- 
ing? 

Pingle. Sure. 

Olmstein. How much will you charge to think that a 
pipe at 1784 Washington Street ain't leaking? 

Pingle. How big a pipe? 

Olmstein. Two inches. It has a tiny puncture in it 
four inches square, from which bursts forth one foot of 
water per minute. 

Pingle. That will be twenty-five dollars. 

Weissen * [ "T^^^^ty-five dollars ! ! (They fall right and 
\ left, against desks.) 

Weissen. Ain't you a real plumber, mister? 

Pingle. That's my price. And I must be sent up in a 
taxicab. 

Weissen. That settles it; he ain't no Christian Scien- 
tist, he's a real plumber. 

Olmstein. Say, Christian Scientist, this ain't no after- 
noon tea. You're going to fix a water-pipe in a cellar, you 
know. 

Pingle. Well, if you aren't talking business, I must be 
going. 

Olmstein. Wait, now, wait. Don't be unsociable. 
You'll get your cab all right. Weissenpimpfel, call 'em 
up, — the garbage. 

Weissen. Hello Give me the garbage. The 

garbage The place where they keep the intoxicated 

cabs Hello, garbage, I want one of those quick wagons 

The water in Mrs. Binglestein's cellar is as high up 

as the preserved quinces If you don't hurry it will get 

to the lemons and will get them .Olmstein and Weiss- 
enpimpfel, — quick. 

Pingle. And I'll want that cab to bring me back, too. 

Weissen. Oh, certainly. And then we'll buy you a fur 
overcoat and a diamond stick-pin and have a box party for 
you in the evening. We always try to make our plumbers 
feel at home. 

Olmstein. Say, look here ) how do we know you're a 
Christian Scientist? 



MILLIONS IN IT 7 

PiNGLE. I show you the sign. (^Gives sign.) 

Weissen. Wliat's that mean? 

Olmstein. Oh, Weissen pirn pfel, don't you be so dumb. 
Your head is solid skull above your nose. Didn't he say he 
was a Christian Sign-it-is. Well, when he holds up his 
hand, that's a sign-it-is. 

PiNGLE. Yes; when I say, "You have a pain in your 
ear," and hold up my hand, that's a sign it is. 

Weissen. {holding ear). Oh, Olmstein, I got twober- 
culosis in my ear. Make him stop it. 

Olmstein. See here, you take both them burculoses out 
of his ear. 

PiNGLE. Your ear doesn't hurt you ; you just think it 
does. 

Weissen. By Jove, that's true. Ain't that funny? I 
guess ril try it. (Pingle is meanzvJiile laughing with Olm- 
stein. Weissen. takes Pingle' s watch and holds it up 
in his hand.) You didn't wear any watch to-day. 

Pingle. No, I wore a lemon. 

(Weissen., who has hidden the watch, unobserved, now shows 
a lemofi in his hand.) 

(^Enter Ben.) 

Ben. Taxicab's here, suh. 

Pingle. All right. Good-bye. Be back in a while. 

{Exit.) 

Olmstein. Ben, attention. Now comes it. Pm a Chris- 
tian Scientist. {Holds up hand.) You got a pain in your 
eye. 

Ben. No, suh. 

Weissen. Don't put a pain in his eye ; he can see through 
that ; try his ear. 

Olmstein {holding up hand). You got a pain in your 
ear. 

Weissen. That fixed him. 

Ben. Yas, suh ; I done had de misery in my ear for 
three-four days, suh. I was going to ask you to get off this 
afternoon to 

Olmstein. Nothing doing. You ain't got no pain in 
your ear. You only think you have. 

Ben. Yas, suh. 



8 MILLIONS IN IT 

Olmstein. That will do. 

Ben. There's another gentleman down-stairs wants to 
see you. 

Olmstein. Is he selling anything ? 

Ben. No, suh ; he's a real gentleman. 

Olmstein. Show him up. (^Exit Ben.) Now, Weiss- 
enpimpfel, if this is a client, you act like a gentleman, see. 

VVeissen. How do you did it ? 

Olmstein. Why, acting like a gentleman is, first you 
button your coat all the way down in front like this, — and 
then you put your liddle finger in the left hand first story 
pocket of your coat, and transfer your right hand foot across 
your left hand foot, and stand at graceful ease. 

Weissen. {looking around). Where is that ? 

Olmstein. And stand at graceful ease with your right 
hand foot gently poised on the toe. 

Weissen. With the right hand foot gently poisoned on 
the toe. 

Olmstein. Not poisoned. 

Weissen. Positioned, I mean. 

Olmstein. That's better, and then you shake hands and 
make some pleasant remark. 

Weissen. Pleasant remark ? 

Olmstein. Yes, and after that keep quiet. 

Weissen. Yes. 

Olmstein. What we want to do is to impress him with 
the fact that we are doing him a favor by taking his work. 

(^E titer Brown.) 

Brown. Is this Mr. Olmstein ? 
Olmstein. I have that pleasure. 
Brown. My name is Hon. John Brown. 
Olmstein. How do you do, Mr. Brown ? This is my 
confederate, Mr. Weissenpimpfel. 

(Weissen. crosses 07ie foot over other.) 

Brown. How do you do ? 

Olmstein {to Weissen.). Can't you shake hands? 

Weissen. How do I get to him ? 

Olmstein. Hurry up. 

Weissen. Can I hop over to him? 

Olmstein. Untie your feet and hurry. 



MILLIONS IN IT 9 

Weissen. Is iliis the place to say something pleasant? 

Olmstein. Yes. 

VVeissen. {shaking hands with Brown). Last week 
when my molhei -in-law died 

Olmstein. You be quiet. Make a noise like a deaf and 
dumb man. See ! {To Brown.) Now, sir, what can I 
do for you ? 

Brown. I want to employ you as my architects. 

Olmstein (aside). Gee, a client. That is a regular 
John D. Rockefeller, I can see that. I bet you, I tell you 
what I bet you, I bet you he gives us a three hundred thou- 
sand dollar job. 

Weissen. I von't bet you ; I ain't got no money. 

Olmstein. Now, let's see, how much money do you wish 
to spend, Mr. Brown? 

Brown. Five thousand dollars. 

(Weissen. collapses.) 

Olmstein. Five hundred thousand dollars? 
Brown. Five thousand dollars. 

(Weissen. sits down at desk and writes. Olmstein does 
sajne.) 

Olmstein {turning to Brown). You will have to speak 
a little louder ; I can't hear such small sums. 

Brown {yelling). I say I only desire to spend five 
thousand dollars. 

Olmstein {striking bell). Of course, you understand, 
Mr. Brown, that we couldn't think of handling such a little 
bit of a commission. We are in this business to make 
money. {Enter Ben.) Show this gentleman out and put 
him on the car for {Names some small place near by.) 

Brown. I'll make it ten thousand dollars. (Olmstein 
andV^Yis^Y.^. keep onwritifig. Pause.) Twenty thousand 
dollars. {Pause.) Forty thousand dollars. 

{Exit Ben.) 

Weissen. Now listen to me. 

Olmstein {to Weissen.). Don't talk about it ; think it, 
sit down and write it to yourself on a letter, but keep quiet. 
This is a matter vot requires the greatest delicacy. {To 
Brown.) Mr. Brown, me and my colleague architectures 



lO MILLIONS IN IT 

only buildings for the very rich, the cream of the cream, the 
quintessence of social eminence. A forty thousand dollar 
job is a mere gallon and a half in the bucket to us. The 
mere fact that you have us design you a building insures 
you of admittance to tlie houses of the very best families in 
the city. 

Brown. What is the smallest commission you will take ? 

Olmstein. One hundred thousand dollars. Pay Mr. 
VVeissenpimpfel. 

Brown. But I don't pay the architects. 

Olmstein. Yes, you give us the money, and we give 
you the building. Just make out the check on Mr. Weiss- 
enpimpfel's desk. 

(Weissen. rises. Brown sits down and writes check.) 

Brown. There you are, sir. 

Olmstein. Good. Now that's fifty thousand dollars for 
the architects' fee, and fifty thousand dollars for the build- 
ing. Now what kind of an oil refinery do you want? 

Brown. I don't want a refinery at all. 

Olmstein. Oh, yes, oil refineries are all the rage. All 
the fashionable people are building them. Besides, we don't 
know how to design anything else. So drop in next Thurs- 
day and we will show you the premeditated sketches for the 
nicest little refinery you ever saw. (Strikes bell.) 

Brown. But, sir, I don't 

Olmstein. That's all right, sir; always glad to make 
suggestions ; we are here to tell you what you want. (^Enter 
Ben.) Show Mr. Brown out and call a taxicab. Next 
Thursday, Mr. Brown, we'll have the refinery all designed 
for you, with hot and cold oil on every floor. 

(Exeunt Ben and Brown.) 

Weissen. Oh, gee, ain't that easy? 

Olmstein. Now we will divide the money equally. 
How much will a hundred thousand dollar building cost? 
1 think thirty-five thousand dollars is a-plenty. That di- 
vides the money equally between me and you and Mr. 
Brown. Thirty-five thousand to Brown, thirty-five thou- 
sand to me, and the remainder to you. 

Weissen. I don't see that. 

Olmstein. Now, listen ; thirty-five and thirty-five is 



MILLIONS IN IT H 

sixty-five and sixty-five from one hundred is tliirty-five. 
That gives you thirty-five thousand dollars. 

(^Enter Helen Augusta Wind.) 

Helen. Is Mr. Brown here ? 

Weissen. (aside). Do you know this woman, Olmstein? 

Olmstein. No. She thinks it's a manicure parlor, I 
guess. 

Weissen. Now, who are you ? 

Helen. Hush, man, hush. Your idle prattle annoys 
me. Where is Mr. Brown ? 

Weissen. Madam, I repeat, who are you ? 

Helen. I? I, sir, am Helen Augusta Wind, the richest 
woman in the world. I have thirty million quarts of dia- 
monds at my home in my upper left-hand bureau drawer. 
Down in the street is a fifty-foot automobile with nine 
cliauffeurs, dining-room, smoking-room, public stenographer 
and marble shower bath. If my income were sent me in 
dollars as fast as it accumulates, in thirteen minutes this 
room would be three feet deep in dollar bills. Now, is my 
uncle, Mr. Brown, here? 

Weissen. {ha7iding her a chair). Won't you be seated ? 
Mr. Brown is not here just now, but he may return any 
time ; (aside) especially next Thursday. 

Olmstein (drawing card frofn pocket). My card ; 
architects and engineers ; high office buildings a specialty, 
country estates our delight ; drop in and see us. 

Helen. Thank you. 

Olmstein (to Weissen.). Well, here is three hundred 
and fifty million dollars waiting around to be married. 

Weissen. Let's do it, 

Olmstein. Assurability. 

OLMST^Em [(.^P^^^^^^S together, to Helen. They make 
) the same gestures. This requires careful 
rehearsal, but is very funny if well done). Madam, we 
have failed comperfectly and absotively in love mid the 
wonderful charm and beauty of yourself and your money. 
We would therefore respectfully suggest that you ignite in 
the bums of wedlock mid either me or my partner or both 
of us, as may suit your fancy or indication. In any case 
the gate receipts are to be divisioned according to the rules 
of the American championship series, sixty percentage going 



means me. 



12 MILLIONS IN IT 

to the winner and forty percentage to the loser. Hoping to 
have a favorable reply as soon as positive, we remain yours 
very respectfully, Olmstein and VVeissenpimpfel. 

Helen. Gentlemen, replying to yours of even date, I 
accept your proposition. 

OLMSraN 1 (-^A^^^*^^^ ^^ ^^^^^ ^^^'^'')- I^Ot 

Weissen. Let's ask her. 

w [ {together. They both make sa??ie gestures j 

EissEN. ^ ^/liig speakingy as before). Honored madam, 
referring to your flavor of to-day accepting our proposi- 
tion of mutual affection and steam, we wish to inquire with 
all respect and differentiation, which one you mean. 

Helen. It is immaterial. You must decide. 

Olmstein. I have it ; we will eat a philopena, and the 
first one that takes anything from the other loses. 

Weissen. 1 have one objection to make, that is scarlet 
fever and mumps ; you can't help taking those sometimes. 

Olmstein. All right. 

(^He takes peanut from pockety breaks it, and offers half to 
Weissen. They hook arms and eat.) 

{Enter Ben. He has a bafidage on his ear.) 

Ben. Mr. Pingle to see you, sir. 
Helen. I must go. 

Olmstein / r^^^^^^^^-^ ;Ve will escort you to the door 
WEISSEN. j and call a cab. 

(^Exeunt Olmstein, Weissen. and Helen.) 

{Exit Ben and reenter with Pingle.) 

Ben. Did you get the pipe fixed at Mrs. Binglestein's? 

Pingle. Sure, I told her I was the water inspector, and 
if she didn't instantly send out for a plumber and fix the 
pipe, rd have her arrested. And she did. What's the 
matter with your ear? Olmstein been trying Christian 
Science on it ? 

Ben. No, suh. You see, it was my wife. She said she 
was too handsome to work. And I said that she weren't 
handsome. She was so ugly she couldn't work nor nothing 



MILLIONS IN IT 1 3 

around her, not even the clock. And when I got out of the 
hospital 

PiNGLE. Hospital ? 

Ben. Yaas, suh; you see, she done had a flat-iron in 
her hand while she was talking and she got so excited she 
let it fall out, and it hit me on the head. 

PiNGLE. I see. Did you retaliate ? 

Ben. Tally eight ? No, suh, she scored one. 

PiNGLE. Did you strike her in return, I say ? 

Ben. No, suh, I swapped a coal-scuttle for her flat-iron. 
But she was too delicate to be real rough with. She only 
weighed 346 pounds. Besides, I loved her. 

{^E titer Weissen. and Olmstein.) 

Weissen. Well, Christian Scientist, did you get it fixed ? 

PiNGLE. Sure. 

Weissen. Fine, fine. Ain't it wonderful, Olmstein, 
this Christian Sign-it-is ? 

Olmstein. Say, Christian Scientist, will you do a little 
favor for us, free of charge ? 

Pingle. What is it ? 

Olmstein. There is a young lady just left here. She is 
about half-way down-town by now. Will you do the sign 
and make her turn around and come back ? 

Pingle. Certainly. {Makes sign.) That's all right. 
She'll be here. Anything else? 

Olmstein. That's all. Good-bye. 

Pingle. How about my twenty-five dollars ? 

Olmstein. Here it is. Weissenpimpfel, you give it to 
him. 

Weissen. Then you will say, '^ Philopena." Pm watch- 
ing you, Olmstein. 

Pingle (taking check from Olmstein). Thank you. 
Good-bye. 

Weissen. ) 



Olmstein. [^""'^-by^- 

[Exeunt Pingle ^;/^Ben.) 

Weissen. Read that letter, Olmstein, and tell me what 
you think of it. 

(Olmstein takes it with a pair of tongs.) 



14 MILLIONS IN IT 

Olmstein {reading letter). Tell him to wait till the first 
of the month. 

VVeissen. {receiving letter on a plate). I suppose you 
think the fair Helen has a preference for you? 

Olmstein. I give her credit for good sense. 

Weissen. Do you mean that I am not as good-looking 
as you ? 

Olmstein. You ain't got the figure, man. You are lean, 
like a clothes prop. See how round I am ; I am round — 
why, I am so round I am almost spherical. 

{These lines may be altered to suit person taking the part.) 

Weissen. Oh, that's nothing. You take all good-look- 
ing men 

Olmstein. No, I won't take nothing. You will say 
philopena. I am watching you, Weissenpimpfel. 

Weissen. All good-looking men are thin. 

Olmstein. You haven't the ease of manner I have. You 
haven't mangled with cultiwated society like I have. 

Weissen. I don't want to mangle with colored waiter 
society. 

Olmstein. Cultiwated ; not colored waiter. 

Weissen. Well, whatever it is, I don't want it. 

Olmstein. Why, cultiwated society is the most beautiful 
thing in the world. I give you my word, Weissenpimpfel. 

Weissen. I won't take it; lam watching you, Olmstein. 

Olmstein. You ought to get into society. 

Weissen. No ; when I marry Helen Augusta Wind I 
will have plenty of it. I will go down the avenue with my 
pockets stuffed with ten dollar bills, and when I come to a 
blind man on the street corner I will just pull out a bill and 
hand it to him. 

{Offers bill to Olmstein.) 

Olmstein. No, Weissenpimpfel ; I may be blind, but I 
can see that's only a one, with my eyes shut. 

{Enter Helen.) 

Olmstein ( ^ ^^.K^^^'^^')- 0"^ adorable Helen. You did 
) come back. 



MILLIONS IN IT I.5 

Helen. My frenzied financees. I forgot something. I 
don't remember what it was, though. 

Weisse^n^ C iS^^^'^^^^^S together). It has been so lengthy 
J since we have seen you, since we have inhaled 
the soft fragrance of your dollar bills. What has our sweet- 
ness been doing ? 

Helen. I sat right still, and earned two million dollars. 

Weissen. Sit right here and let me see your income 
come in. (Sits on lap.) Now, every time the clock ticks, 
that's a tliousand more. Gee, what an easy way to make 
money. 

Olmstein. Say, Weissenpimpfel, that is not fair. It 
ain't according to the agreement. She can't sit on your 
knees while she gets richer ; I want my turn. 

Weissen. Here, take her. Good-bye, sweetness. 

(^Puts her on Olmstein 's lap.) 

• 

Olmstein. Thanks. 

Weissen. Philopena. 

Olmstein. Oh, Himmel, what have I done? 

Weissen. I guess you get the green grape-fruit this time. 

Olmstein. I hate you, Weissenpimpfel ; I will no more 
be in the office wid you. 

Weissen. Mrs. Weissenpimpfel will. Come, Helen, let's 
go and examine the bins of twenty dollar gold pieces. 

(£xennt \Yeissen. an^ Helen.) 

Olmstein. Lost ; all but forty per cent. [Enter Ben.) 
Ben, I have suffered a great loss. I am in mourning; fol- 
low me around ; I must have something black around me. 

Ben. Yas, suh. 



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